A FRANK AND HONEST ACCOUNT OF MY OWN EMOTIONAL STRUGGLE

Hello Everyone

I am choosing to open up to you today with a truth which many of you may resonate with. Being on this wonderful spiritual journey has certainly been an interesting and eclectic mix of ups and downs, travelling along mountains and valleys, but these challenges have honed me into who I am now and also for the work ahead of me which I have to do.

Over the past month or so, I have been struggling with feelings regarding a relative of mine. I found this person to be selfish and wrapped up in their own world of “self”. There was an incident in November, where I allowed my “ego” to take over. I allowed myself to become consumed with anger and needless to say, I had to get down on my knees and humbly ask God to forgive a few words that proceeded out of my mouth as I verbally battled with this person.

For a long time after that I refused to have anything much to do with her, yet my spirit was not settled. Time after time my spirit questioned me about looking at this situation from the spiritual side, looking at myself and asking me to be careful because I was standing on the platform advocating love, peace etc and inspiring others,. Obviously, I did not want to recognise this as I wanted to hold onto what this person was doing as my own personal crutch to gossip and own bad thoughts. Yet, because my spirit guides me often and also acts as my Jiminy cricket (my conscious), I had to relent, looking inside of me to reflect on what I was doing. I also remember around that time, I was reading “The Essence of Buddha, The Path to Enlightenment by Ryuho Okawa a wonderful book which talks much about the state of being, the purity of being and walking on the path of enlightenment. I felt a bit of a hypocrite, I can tell you because at that moment in time, I knew I was not practising what I was preaching.

Yet I struggled to deal with letting go of the resentment and anger that had built up in me. I meditated more, I prayed more and I literally had to go deep within myself in order to let go of these feelings, which were not serving me at all. The more I complained about this individual, the more uncomfortable I felt in my own spirit, and the more I held onto how I was feeling was the more I complained. Therefore because I was not walking in my own truth which was to address ME and how I needed to nurture myself with unconditional love and forgiveness how could I ever learn to forgive and accept this person for who they were at that moment in time?

There is a saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear and I had to learn that whatever this person had to learn, she would do so when the time was right and myself included. It was certainly not up to me to be making judgements. So in the process of learning to deal with, to heal and to be mature about the situation, I contacted this individual and calmly and respectfully spoke to her about anything and nothing in general. I did this on several occasions and now we laugh and speak quite well again and I no longer feel the animosity I initially did towards her. Yet it took time for me to learn to let go. I had to work through my own take and perception of the situation and realise that I had to let go of any expectations I had of her.
Yet, I feel I have still missed the true essence of being authentic in that, in order to fully restore what must be, it is for me to tell this person that “I love you.” It is not about whether this person would receive this act or not, but it is because I needed to do it.

Life is a funny thing, is it not? We all struggle from time to time with many things that we allow to burden us and yet the most simple thing it seems, and in reality it is not as simple as it could be, is that often times it is to deal with the self first and then others around you will shift in accordance.

I feel so much better now. The more I grow along this spiritual pathway is the more I am less tolerant of myself not walking in my truth and in fact, my spirit does not do very well if I slide off the pathway, even for one minute. It becomes restless and when I start to complain, moan and criticise then I know it is time for me to shut myself away and re-align who I am through solitude, prayer and meditation.

Yet I realise life is an ever evolving door of challenges, and as we grow into who we are, we are able to deal with life in a more comfortable way, hopefully and the learning is certainly worth the pain because it then enables us to move forward in a different direction if necessary.

More About The Journey and Importance of Discovering The Self

From a distance the world looks so clear and bright, innocent in its clarity. Light from beyond a time when the concept of life was still being conceived, striking strong in the firmament, fresh, new, a birthing of one of creation’s master piece. Yet when one takes a closer look through the microscope of reality, the present here and now, the illusion of life begins to unfold. Within those tiny atoms which only the spiritual eye can see, life meanders by, on a journey full of adventure and mysterious liaisons, sometimes even deceitful and painful but all for our tasting and experiencing.

So what is the essence of life in light of this most complex form of clarity? What is the essence and truth of what we see, how we perceive what we see and the understanding of what we perceive?

Is perception the parameter along which we align our truth and therefore our understanding of the world? Therefore, how do we know whether our perception of the reality of life is the truth? and that we are not following a path which is full of treachery and deceit and ultimately untruth?

Can the two lines between truth and untruth become blurred so readily and easily that the differentiation between both be so subtle that if judgement were to be passed the sentence of a man’s life could be life or death? Therefore, does it not stand to reason that as we travel along the spiritual highway, in the observance of life and self, we must be explicably honest with ourselves and the journey we make within our own selves? Painful yes, to face that mirror of truth which often reveals many demons silently and subtly feeding off our spirits and souls, keeping us chained within the dimensions of fear, pain, aggressiveness, bitterness and many more negative parasites.

Yet until we can take that painful walk within, starting the detoxification process of our own lives, then whatever way we reach out to others, cannot be from the ultimate spirit of unconditional love, truth, honesty and integrity. Realise this – you cannot give what you don’t have. Realise another truth – that unless we surrender to our higher purpose, God, the Universe, and learn to trust implicitly in that source, we cannot “be” all that we are meant to be.

Many people operate on a superficial and materialistic platform in the world which has become the normal way to operate. Yet, it cannot be effective within its true purpose and end result and unless you are serious about your spiritual walk, your endeavours will never be as fruitful as they can be, until you operate from the level of pure truth and only your spirit and soul and guidance from above can take you there.

Yet, realistically speaking, this journey is not an easy one. It can be challenging at the best of times, yet it is so rewarding. The learning and growth and understanding of self and life on an intimate realm is something that I can only wish you can one day experience. It all takes time, discipline, a zeal and zest to truly get to know who you are and to understand how you work. It is a path where you will climb many mountains, stumbling and falling along the way. Yet the beauty of this journey is that you will learn all you need to learn in order to become the person you are truly meant to be and the love that will encompass your heart will be one of the most awesome experiences of self.

So go on, this year become the person you were meant to be. Be honest with yourself and yet, be gentle. Walk your truth and walk your talk in honesty and integrity and let life unfold before you like a dream.

“If we were more aware of our own shadow, we would not be afraid to look in the mirror.” Esther Austin

Know Thyself

So here I am, New Year, New Start and already feeling fantastic. There is a sense of peace and knowing within me that permeates through every fibre of my being that this is the year. And yes, for starters I thought that for 2009, I should upgrade slightly and give myself a more professional look. So here I am, with brand new newsletter in tow.

So where do I start? Well it may be a little late in the day but I’m going to start by wishing you all a peaceful and abundant year. Why peaceful and abundance, go to my emotions in transit blogspot to find out more:

Why wishing you abundance? Because even amidst all the doom and gloom of recession etc, etc – we have at our fingertips an abundance of gifts and they are all FREE.

Why peaceful? Because I believe that at this moment in time, the world is going through much upheaval. It is not hard to ignore the constant barrage of Credit Crunch, House Prices, Job Cuts, War etc, etc. It is no surprise that people are now searching for something deeper to enhance their lives? Is it no wonder that a mass weariness and tiredness of just existing on the periphery of existence itself, day in day out have people looking for something deeper to experience in their lives? There has been a shifting of dimensions on the spiritual realm for a long time. An undercurrent of something major about to occur and the reality for many is that God, the Universe, the Higher Powers that Be will no longer wait for our excuses to glide from our mouths in terms of us not taking responsibility for our lives and experiences and ultimately not facing our own truth.

We can see the effects of that shifting before our very eyes and there are some profound messages in all of these dynamics.

I interviewed Hazel Oatey from The Energy Wizard on Monday and we had an incredible conversation which covered many things within the spiritual realm. One key topic matter that came up was the one of being our authentic selves, tapping into our truth and facing our demons in order to find the truth within.

As always with the old cliched "life is a journey" it simply is and cannot be described in any other way. Many people have reached places in their lives, in the here and now, because they have chosen to work towards being here. Many people have chosen to seek truth within themselves because they realise that there is a better more peaceful and harmonious way to live life and not just exist until the sweeping hands of death, gathers us up in his arms.

Finding our true authentic self takes times. We have to go on many journeys, along many pathways. Some of us, myself included, have had to touch the bottom of despair at times only to surface, painfully from the very seeds of the earth,growing along the way and hopefully learning too. This learning serves us in many ways. This learning should be a learning about who we are. This should be a time and place where we can evaluate who we are, reflect and analysis who we are so that we can aim to become a different and hopefully better person.

Yet, the reality for many is that they may never come to this awareness of realising that they need to face the mirror of truth. Yet one thing that came from my conversation with Hazel is that the way the Universe is shifting, many people will not have a choice.

Looking around us, we can see how the world is shifting at a very dynamic and profound pace and the messages of what needs to be learned are so very clear.

We now need to take back responsibility for who we are, for our lives. We can no longer afford to be reliant on the Government and anyway, why should they owe us anything?

Take note people and watch as this shift takes momentum. It is time for you to do whatever you feel is necessary to get to undress your authentic self and you will be so surprised at what you discover about yourself and what you experience in your life.

You want to talk about abundance? Well it is certainly there in front of your eyes to be experienced and enjoyed. But first of all, work on your truth and then you will be able to see these wonderful, free gifts. But just in case your curiosity gets the better of you, I'll let you take a peek anyway:

Love
Peace
Contentment
Happiness
Honesty and Integrity
Values

These are all free to every one of us, but how many of you can say you are truly rich in abundance when you do not even know yourself?

A Wonderful 2009 - to you All

Dear All

Yes it has been a while now since I have penned something on this site. What can I say. I have been busy - mostly in the throes of doing much reflection and analysis on who I am, now, at the end of 2008 and where I am going. Also, constantly working towards the greater vision and goal of where I want to be in life and it has been a wonderful journey of sorts this year.

I have had my back pushed against the wall so many times, this year it has been an incredible journey of perseverance, learning, growth and sheer determination. Often times, I have been on the verge of screaming from frustration and the sheer amount of work required to get my business up and running. I have been pushed to the limits in terms of juggling my children, temping, continuing building the business, delivering workshops – yet now that I have come to the end of another year – I am in a much stronger, more focussed place. More so, I am finally learning to relax into Esther and enjoy Esther more and give time to Esther more.

I have been doing much contemplation and there is much anticipation about the coming New Year and all the wonderful things I can look forward to in my life. How do I know that 2009 will be a different year or should I say a year when I will once again step up to the mark even more? Because I can feel it, I have seen it in my vision and dream it in my dreams every night. This year has certainly been a very very challenging year for me. I realise that for many people this same is true. Yet how I see these challenges now is how they have honed and toned me, making me into the person I now am, at this moment in time and I am feeling great.

I have really had to take myself apart many, many times this year and slowly put "me" back together. This has meant much meditation, prayer, spending time alone and being still within the presence of God and the Universe. Psalms 46 talks about "be still and know that I am God" and within the stillness of my own space, I have manifested some dynamic things. I have been able to go deeper within myself to see my future. I have once again began the journey of understanding who Esther truly is and experienced the talents and gifts that I have, learning to embrace them, with an authentic voice of gratitude and thanks.

I have had to learn to lean into myself and fully trust that I am guided always, in honesty and truth by a source greater than I and I have had to trust this source 100%at all times and lean into God's arms and you know what this has taught me? not to fear anymore, and to learn to just be "me." Often times, I have found that I have had my barrier up, not fully letting go and experiencing the "real" me in my own personal flow. This has meant that I have often given the perception of being a little more aloof that I really am and I realised this stemmed from me not fully trusting, whether not trusting myself or just trusting. Therefore, what I resolved to do was to break this barrier I often put up because I now wanted to enjoy life more, and enjoy me more and enjoy the fact that, once I fully trusted in God, the higher source, the Universe, then everything would be alright. In this knowledge therefore, I also realised that for me now, I do not equate life and its experiences as right or wrong , positive or negative, because to believe that whatever experiences I go through, I go through them for a reason. The beauty in this understanding is that, what are the lessons learnt from these experiences? What have I learnt about myself? and how can that, therefore, impact on my future?

Take a relationship I was in two years ago that went sour. I now realise that I had to experience that relationship and all the upheaval and heartache it caused in the end, to fully understand something about myself. I certainly learned a lot about myself and one key thing was this, I had to learn to love "Esther" 100% and not just 85%. I was expecting someone else to fulfil the other 15% of who I was, making me whole, but this meant that I was still giving away part of myself to someone else, which is a very unhealthy thing to do. I had to learn to take full responsibility for my role in this scenario and also understand that I deserved only the best. I also realised that I did not have to hold onto something that no longer served any purpose in my life. Therefore after that relationship, I worked on understanding Esther again and after much reflection an soul searching, another painful journey, but one that had to be taken, I asked God and the Universe to provide me with the most wonderful and suitable person for my life, at the right moment in time, and I have already visualised this person into being, it’s just a matter of time. The great thing about this spiritual journey is the manifestation of many things, because 5 years ago, I had visualised the gentleman from my previous relationship and 2 years after that I met him.

Therefore, I believe he was put in my path and life in order for me to undergo some real, serious learning and as the English say "By Jove" I learned some hard lessons, but lessons nevertheless that I had to understand and which have served me so well. The great Mahatma Ghandi once said "Be the change YOU want to see in the world. " Therefore does this not stand true that whatever we are about, whatever we experience in our life, ultimately the buck starts and stops with US.

So on this note, I would like to wish you all a wonderfully dynamic New Year. Whatever you want out of life, it is there for the taking. Just be honest with yourself, first and foremost, be authentic with who you really are, have integrity to your own self, your feelings, etc and you will experience your world in a most wonderful way. Much love to all you wonderful spirits of light and may you forever continue to grow through the power of unconditional love for yourself and your fellow men. A Blessed 2009