Mother to Son - By Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair

(1902-1967 - American Writer, Author and Critic)

Learn to Love Yourself - Experience at HillCroft College

Dear All

Once again, another day and life has taken me on an upward journey.

Lasts weeks lapse had to happen. I have realised that I can only be strong for a certain amount of time. I have realised that I need to take time out for me, to heal and just to re-fresh and re-invigorate. Life certainly holds many more challenges and yet the pleasantries that buffer these are more than enough to keep my head up where the roses are. And I have to say a massive thank you to my best friend ever, Lubna for calling and keeping in touch with me and for listening to me.

I have been on a course this weekend at a Women’s College. A course with many other women who, in their own way, are striving for themselves. Many are bruised and beaten. Many are tired and worn. Many are weary- yet they aspire. And it doesn’t really matter on what level they are aiming, it is just good to know that they aspire and are reaching out to fulfil ambitions, dreams and aims. They are reaching out by embracing learning, by finding fulfilment in a place where they can be with other women, where they can share, where they can just be who they are and where they can achieve.

In this safe environment, they can be what and who they want to be. They can choose to remain secluded after the course ends or they can choose to interact with others. They can choose to be joyful or just be in the moment of their pain or whatever they are going through. Yet what is beautiful is that many are optimistic, many are hopeful that life will turn around and be good to them. These comes across in their smiles, sometimes the windows to their soul tell a different story, yet they still smile.

Many are carrying their own pain, I too have my own pain, and as individuals this can be a very lonely place to be. Yet in the midst of a group of women, that pain can be absorbed into a place where for a brief period, we can let go and put it in the box of Forgetfulness, until we go back to our normal daily routine. Yet what is so beautiful about these women is that there are no airs or graces, no-one is pretending to be something they are not and you know what being genuine and honest in this way is something we don't find often in this world of materialism, where looks and other things define who people are.

Yet what I would always urge, is to always try to keep the mind focussed on where you really want to go and what you want out of life. Always try to keep a hold on the reigns of despair’s bridle and not let it take you thundering down the path of insanity. It ain’t easy – but you know what, we all have that elastic band that just pings us back into sanity’s welcoming arms.

And remember peeps, learn to love yourselves. It really is ok. Love yourselves because when the going gets tough and the tough gets going – you only have yourself to rely on.

And always remember that good things happen to those who wait and in time. I was interviewed on Colourful Radio today and had a fantastic time. it was a very positive and heart-warming interview. I spoke about something I had created. I read from my own work. I shared something of myself and in the process, this helped lift my spirits. We all have something wonderful to share. We all have something good and wholesome to do in this life and when life's little opportunities come our way, we should embrace them and run with them and enjoy them letting these experiences enhance our lives in the best possible way.

I Must Rise

Today peeps, I am feeling a little better and I will embrace my mind more with positive thoughts and thinkings. I found myself reading BeliefNet http://www.beliefnet.com last night, an inspirational site of faith, spirituality amongst other things and then I did some meditating.

As I inhaled and Exhaled, focussing my mind on positives - I began to feel better. I also realised that I had to work on myself in order to bring me out of the state I was rapidly heading into. Yet I also realised that I had to take time out for me. Not just a day here and there but a total block of about a week or so.

For me the past two weeks had leapt at me the way they did because I was dwelling on my life too much. I wanted to become absorbed by my grief. I actually wanted to remain in that dark place and sometimes, I realise I will go there. But it's not healthy to remain there. I realise that what I am going through is a process. The process of grieving and I have to learn to just let whatever I feel be. I also have to stop being strong, yet being strong is so many things to different people. Yet I must not and cannot allow myself to wallow for too long, because I could easily slip into the murky depths of despair.

I also am beginning to realise that I have not and am not giving myself time, space to really reflect and heal and to understand what I am feeling. Therefore, I will be taking myself off somewhere soon, somewhere quiet, somewhere where I can get in touch with my soul and just be. Somewhere where if I feel to cry I will cry, or if I feel to sing or to just sit and think, I will.

Therefore, I will leave you with the following, by Dr Maya Angelou:

"I can be changed by what happens to me. but i refuse to be reduced by it.”


Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave, I rise, I rise, I rise.

I so love this because there is so much strength and reassurance in this quote, and it gives me courage to move on and upward.

THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE

This week, ending February 9th 2007 has been a tough week for me emotionally. I am so used to being strong, used to dealing with crisis, maybe even suppressing my emotions and carrying on as best as I can. I am very used to just doing what must be done, asking God to strengthen me.

Yet this week has been a struggle for me. Even I have been surprised at how I am struggling internally, emotionally. My best friend admitted that this is the first time she has heard me say I am Fed Up, and we have known each other for over 25 years.

This week has been a journey of much reflection, thought, decision making. The pain seated in the pit of my stomach is incredible. I have been conscious as from last Wednesday of myself spiralling into a pit, heading for a place where I actually wanted to be. A place where I wanted to cut myself off from everyone and everything. Even my children, could not reach out and make a difference to where I actually wanted to be.

I took a lot of long walks and I am enjoying being alone, on my own and in the loneliness of this journey – I crave that absence from interacting with others, selfish but that’s where I am at the moment.

I have never experienced anything on this level before. On Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, there were a few times when I felt total despair. I know this is a process I will have to work through and for the first time ever, I am actually admitting that this journey is hard. I don’t like being here, yet conflictingly, sometimes I want to remain here, to dwell where I am at. It’s not that I want to become a victim of my emotions or circumstances and neither am I looking for pity. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to communicate with anyone, I want just to be.

I have also started to have flash-backs of times when I saw my sister suffering and these have been happening frequently at around 1am or 2am in the morning. I guess that is why sometimes I work late through the night into the early hours of the morning. I guess, in a way this is my way of trying to keep the memories and pain at bay. I also miss my partner terribly, so in effect this is a double loss I am dealing with and working through.

YET

In all that I feel, things are happening for me. I am still striving and moving forward. I am working hard – yes sometimes I am in a surreal place and mode, but I am still managing to function at a driven capacity which is producing.

I also believe that some of this incredible pain is due to growth. I am changing. I can feel that change within and I know that when I come through at the other end, I will be a more refined, stronger and hopefully wiser individual.

So, as I have said before, where there is life, there is hope. Time is a healer and it is on time that I now wait.