Believe in What you Want

Believe in what you want
Believe in who you are
Believe that it is possible
Believe it so much so
that whatever you want
becomes the very air you breathe
and becomes the driving force of positive action
which fuels your life into the place you want to be.

So dream that dream so bad
And believe in it as if food for the soul
And you will begin to live it
Then throw it out to the universe
And like the proverbial rubber ball
It will come bouncing back to you.

Esther Austin© All Rights Reserved November 2006

MY SISTER PASSED AWAY

Dear All

On Wednesday morning, 22nd November 2007 at approximately 6am my sister passed away. She had battled with cancer for a long time. She suffered an enormous amount of pain yet she always wore a smile.

Our family have been overwhelmed by the messages of support and condolences from everyone. We have been offered so much unconditional support and love that I can only say we are truly blessed.

I would like to say a massive thank you on behalf of the family to all who have sent their well wishes.

My sister was indeed a trouper, a warrior. One thing that has materialised from finally meeting people she worked with, the nurses, and patients at the hospital where she was cared for was that she was a positive, determined individual who stood her ground and fought a good fight.

She certainly deserves a medal not only of bravery, but for touching the hearts of many with her attitude.

She never once let this cruel disease take advantage of her in that she gave into its cruel talons. She was strong in mind and will and with that she was able to endure this disease and even laugh in its face.

I was there the night she passed away. God had spoken to me over the weekend. He told me that my sister was going to pass on Tuesday or Wednesday this week and that I would be there with her and to prepare myself. I have never prayed so much in my life, yet a quiet confidence in knowing what must be done enveloped me.

I had an important role to fulfill and whether or not I wanted to, God had assigned this to me. It was my unconditional duty on behalf of my sister whom I had grown to love even more over the past year. My mother and sister also had their roles to play and when the time was right they too would continue do this well.

Spending time with her, laughing with her, comforting her, looking after her, sharing her pain, watching her in pain, watching her struggle to maintain her independence as it slowly slipped away was painful. Yet just knowing she was surrounded by a wonderful network of individuals i.e my mother who did a fantastic job, my younger sister, myself and a strong network and body of friends and family was enough to keep her sane and in good spirits and hopeful.

I am very blessed that I have and had a strong relationship with my now deceased sister as well as my younger sister. My sister and I were very close. Some people described us as having a husband and wife relationship. She helped me raise my children, we went most places together, we spoke every day at least four or five times. And during her time in hospital when I stayed with her on many occasions, our bond grew stronger. My mother often mentioned that on the days I could not stay with her she “pined” for me.

I would therefore like to end with this. A massive thank you to all those who have sent their condolences and well wishes. We are blessed with a strong network of friends whose unconditional support and love is not only overwhelming but strengthening.

Deborah, my wonderful sister, I salute you, I Love you, I grieve for you, but knowing you are not in pain anymore, gives me peace.

Father God, thank you for your insurmountable strength and love. And I thank God for the close friendship I have with my one remaining sister and the strong body of friends, true friends that surround us.

Thank you to my partner, Delroy, for sending out the original message of condolence and for his quiet yet strong support.

Thank you to my best friend Lubna for her support and help always, Claudette Shaw, Geraldine Reid, Roz Griffiths, Lesley Watson, Maria Genco, Sarda and Sam (Deborah’ and many others for their help.


Love you always

SISTER'S PLIGHT WITH CANCER

Dear All

I have been quiet of late as I am dealing with a personal issue.My sister has been suffering from breast cancer since 2002 a journey that she has bravely battled.

The disease came back last year and this year it spread to her brain and throughout her body. She was diagnosed as terminal two months ago. Yet at no time did she nor her family ever regress into thinking that she would not survive, because we knew she was a warrior and we believed in a God who could do all things.

The cancer on the brain is making her suffer, her pain is incomprehensible to me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not exposing my personal business to you all for sympathy’s sake but to describe this rather surreal journey to you in the hope that someone out there may get something from all this as you too may have your own personal tragedy to deal with.

I am by no means advocating or preaching a sermon to anyone, for we are all individuals who deal with life’s circumstances in our own unique way. Yet what I would like to share about this journey are the following:I have had to lean into the arms of God more than ever before. This journey, though surrounded by a wonderful body of people, is at the same times lonely, because no-one can understand the pain that not only myself but my mother, sister and my sons are going through. This is because it is our own personal experience and pain. You too may have gone through something similar, but we are all unique individuals, and how we experience life will differ greatly, even if the experience is similar.

We all experience pain or rather deal with pain in different ways, yet for me when I feel there is no-where to snuggle into, when I feel that my pain will erupt from within me, driving me into the hands of insanity’s call, this is when I lean even further into God’s hands.For me, this journey is made bearable because of the strength I have drawn from God, from praying and listening to music and exercising. Music to me is a powerful and seductive medium. Another place where I can go and escape. Another place which touches my heart, my spirit, my soul, my pain with the melodies of enlightenment and upliftment.

For me also, this journey is about friendships, the coming together of a body of people under tragic circumstances, but the uniting of an entity of individuals whose strong faith, whatever their background and belief in God are paramount and strengthening.For me over the past few months, I know I have changed. I have grown stronger. I can feel a strength within me that through the pain of watching my sister struggle and suffer, grows. Yet it is more than just growth I am experiencing, but an emotional, spiritual and enlightening transformation.For me acceptance and learning to let go and Let God has helped. Whatever his will, I have accepted and this helps to conquer the subtle fingers of denial, which could so easily crawl its sly self into my present situation and confuse me.

For me, through my sister’s suffering, it is still a joy that friends and family can still find the rays of laughter within. Laughter is therapeutic. My younger sister and our body of friends and relatives are very positive, uplifting people with a great sense of humour, perspective, reality which keeps us buoyant and sane. And when we laugh or jest, it was good to see my sister smile, through her pain, even giggling at times and it is so, my sister.Therefore to me, the best thing we have is hope, faith, unity, strength and laughter. Otherwise, without these, I don’t know how I would remain strong and determined.

My sister’s perseverance to remain as independent as possible has been commendable. She can barely walk now or hold anything or see straight, yet her determination to hold onto independence and her dignity is faith in itself. Though it pains me to see her struggling with even the most basic and simple movements, chores etc, she is still determined. Frustration yes often renders her into tears, yet still she refuses to give up on the simplest thing of brushing her teeth. It is now not a case of doing things well, but being able to do anything at all.To me all the above teaches me a lesson and that is that life is too short, we never know when our time is due and that we should live each day as if it is out last, we should love passionately, and we should strive to do whatever sits passionately in our hearts and learn to take risks as well. Yet mostly importantly is it about loved ones and those you treasure the most.Yet this week, 20th November 2006, my sister is deteriorating rapidly.

My mind is now confused, my sense a whirlwind of pain, anxiety whilst hope still peeps furtively around the corner – yet I just want it all to end. Not for my sake and to ease my own personal pain, but for her sake and I pray that God takes her, in peace, with peace to a better place.

I have published a book for my sister called: Looking on from the Outside: Sister to Sister. The book is retailing at £7 and Proceeds go to the Breast Cancer Haven, at my sister’s request.Thank you


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