The beauty of life is that I want to be everything sometimes, as I dream very big and other times, I just am, in the moment, beavering away to attain all that I dream of. I know I will get there because within my basket of success is determination, ambition, passion, my vision, tenacity and energy. So therefore, whatever stumbling blocks life throws at me I use pain as my stepping stone.
Life is certainly an interesting journey of sorts. A myriad of experiences which form and mould us into the individuals we become. I use these experiences as a measuring jug, a learning curve, a source of experimental navigation. In life we are guided by many things intuition, spiritual guidance, faith - all elements which leads to destiny’s seductive call. Life also incorporates making mistakes, which sometimes take us into dark places, but the beauty here is that we can all learn from these experiences so that we can successfully move forward.
For me what makes us who we truly are is our level and type of interaction with others. What are our motives and are they honourable? Key factors in life are communication, respect, honesty and integrity. There is something called the circle of life and I believe that if we ill-treat others life certainly has a way of getting its own back at us.
A relationship I had been in for just over two years, suddenly collapsed around me recently. I had lost my sister to breast cancer in November 2006, burying her on December 4. My then partner had stood by my side at her graveside, shovelling dirt onto her grave. He spent Christmas with my family and yet he spent the New Year with someone else, a relationship he had been in for a while, apparently.
I struggled gravely for two weeks after discovering this deception. I struggled because I thought we had an honest relationship. I struggled as I had dearly and deeply loved this individual. He was my partner, soul-mate and hopefully later my husband. We worked well as a team personally and professionally. Even though he was not all what I was about, he added to who I was as a woman and people often commented on the chemistry between us.
I struggled more gravely because he would look me in the eye, telling me he loved me yet deceiving me at the same time. We had promised to be honest with each other, which was one of the mainstays of this relationship. This was important to us, because of expectations and past experiences. I felt used and betrayed. I hoped that my children, who got on well with this man and enjoyed his company would not see me as anything less than their mother who they loved and respected. I did not want to face family nor friends, because I felt ashamed. These people knew me and respected me for who I was. I had high standards. I was no longer a young 16 year old, who threw herself at any passing fancy in frivolity for the sake of love. I was a 40 year old woman who made important decisions, a product of life’s experiences, hopefully older and wiser. Yet here I was my heart stripped raw and bare, whose dreams had been briefly shattered and whose strong sense of being, dignity, value, pride and self-worth, the very foundations upon which my life had been built on, had been compromised.
Yet what lessons, can I learn here? Forgiveness. I had to learn to forgive quickly. I had to continue to love this man, for my sanity’s sake as I knew that if I did not have the courage to do this, I would be filled with rage and resentment that would eat away at my dreams and hopes in building a better future for myself and my children. It would also eat away at the very core, beauty and essence of who I was as a unique individual. The pain was unbearable but I knew I deserved better than this travesty.
I have learned that whatever life throws at you, to use pain as a stepping stone. He apologised over the phone, yet not face to face as a real man should. He realised he had demons to deal with and needed time and space to sort himself out. Whether in practicality he will do this is to be seen, as to a large extent he still refuses to take full responsibility for his actions to all parties involved. So I need to learn to let go, gradually with love.
For those of us who are honest individuals we expect the same back from others. In reality I know this is a risk, yet without trust there is nothing. We all want to be loved yet sometimes, I have to challenge, at what price? I had tried to avoid selling my soul to Satan for a kiss and a cuddle and for a man to make me feel cherished and loved, yet that is what it seems I did, without intention.
In the greater scheme of things though, I refuse to become bitter, I refuse not to believe in the intricacies and honesty of true love. I refuse to let any experience like this taint who I am at my core, because I am retrieving what and who I am about. I am going through a process of serious reflection, contemplation and self-analysis. I am learning to love and respect me again, yet this time, on a more intimate level. I am also looking more closely at my part in this scenario trying to identify what I failed to notice, what I could have noticed, the obvious clues I may have missed. Yet I also take away the good times we had and other positives I experienced with him.
I am a phenomenal woman, and I’d better continue to believe it. And you know what? I have my dreams and aspirations which burn more brightly and which are driving me to become the success I will be. I have my children and a wonderfully small, trusted and select group of good friends around me. We all draw strength from different sources and mine was my faith. Yes, I have been hurt deeply but you know? just like Dr Maya Angelou said:
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave
I am the dream and the hope of the slave
I rise, I rise, I rise, I rise
