Life is an interesting journey. Forever taking us into realms where we sometimes are not prepared to go. Sometimes it is an interesting journey of intrigue and discovery, a fascinating adventure into the pockets of the unknown. Self-discovery, folks.
Other times it is an adventure of spontaneity, a jostle of humorous intent, a journey of laughter and fun, a place of silly endeavours. A place which takes us back to our childhood. A place where sometimes we need to go, in this life full of challenges and set-backs.
Other times life can take us down very painful paths, jolting us momentarily out of our place of being, our comfort zones, our security blankets, our places of stability where we can almost anticipate each hour’s movements. These are times when our world can be turned upside down and we are taken on a roller-coaster of dramatic emotional upheaval, never quite getting the time to see what really took us down this path initially, but knowing that we are journeying down that painful road, without our buffers to help ease us along the way.
Monday 8th January, I had an enormous shock. I received a phone call which I could never and would never have anticipated in a million years. This news came only 5 weeks after I had buried my sister and I was left reeling and feeling that I had buried not one individual who I was close to but two. My sister was very much my soul-mate, and now I had lost another.
My pain was and still is inconsolable. I am now in a more surreal place where for the first time, even since my sister’s death, I am beginning to struggle in terms of holding onto sanity and reality. My pain is seated so deep in the pit of my stomach, that I can’t even cry tears of pain I can only weep inside, internally, creating havoc with m y very psyche.
I am finding it difficult to understand. Simple. I am finding it difficult to really and truly understand, the situation. I am trying not to ask “Why Me?” I am trying not to feel victimised, I am trying not to feel anger and resentment, I am trying not to feel hard-done by, I am trying not to feel used and abused nor bitter. Yet as much as I try NOT to feel all these things, I feel them and very deeply. I feel wounded, I feel exhausted. I want to shut myself off from the world and I just want to be, just myself and my pain, and just be. And I so desperately need to understand why.
Yet I know I must put on a brave smile for my children and I must continue to strive and hold onto my dreams, for me. I must continue to believe. I must continue to have hope. I must continue to let love flow in abundance and best of all I have learned to forgive. I can forgive you know, and even though I won’t forget, being able to forgive and work on letting my pain go in love, is helping and I know when I come through this as well, I will be even stronger and more resilient than I have ever and will ever be.
Whatever we go through in life, the ultimate healer is time and forgiveness. Without these two, we would surely die from the burden we carry. And so, I must learn to let go of another loved one with love, in love and with more love and ask that God walks beside me, helping to keep me standing and realising that with hope there is a future.
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