THE NEW ME - CHANGE THROUGH MORE REFLECTION

Hello Everyone

Today, Wednesday 14th February has been a rather surreal day for me. Lots of thoughts, many of them confusing and conflicting have been zooming around my head. Thoughts of how much I need to be loved and to love in return. Thoughts of change on a large scale, a renewed and more confident Esther, a refined Esther, someone who has been moulded, someone whose emergence will be cataclysmic. And all because Esther needs this to occur in her life, because it’s time for change. This is not for anyone or anything, but for me and this is so liberating. This will take time, but I must start my journey now, before life becomes tired and decides to rest forever. And when I do emerge at the other side, life will be a bouquet of everything that I make it.

It’s funny how we perceive ourselves and also how we justify what we sometimes see in the mirror and how we interpret it all. Sometimes we are so completely off the mark, and by failing to notice certain things, this can prove to be quite catastrophic. Equally damaging is when we notice certain things about ourselves that are not always positive, yet we choose to remain where we are, static believing that this is me, take it or leave it. So I too, have had to look within again, deep within, not just surface stuff peeps, but real hard-core deep within.

I believe that we cannot be everyone to all people all of the time. In fact, we do not owe anyone anything, other than loyalty to ourselves, yet we must be mindful of how our presence affects not only our spirits, but those around us, our environment. Because just like a waves, life has a rippling effect.

Being in denial of how our behaviour affects not only our environment, but ourselves can be quite damaging, as this reflects back not only onto ourselves but on those around us, in our lives, the opportunities that come our way, the goodness and positivity of what we can get out of life - karma.

I know I have grown and moved on as a person over the past year. I certainly have developed along the way. This has been spurned on by my experiences, life, circumstances and by taking note of life in general. I have tried to learn from both the good and the bad experiences and it has been a painful honing and toning experience for me.

Yet from last year, I’ve had this insatiable desire to move forward even more, to make greater changes in my life and in myself. I want to become more expressive, I want to be more comfortable with who I truly am at my very core, I want to blossom. I recognise that I am still quite rigid on a few fronts, and this desire to let go and just be has been driving me crazy. Yet, I realise that when I take this leap of faith again, when I actually become so in tune with who I really am, I will explode.

I want to be able to express myself more, whether verbally or by the way I dress. I want to be more creative and confident in how I dress, because to me that is an expression of what I am about. I am actually yearning inside for this change. I want to be able to take more calculated risks, and sometimes more spontaneous risks. I want to follow my intuition more and learn to step outside my box more. I am very much aware of where I want to go and am and have worked hard to get to this point, with great success, yet there is more than I can achieve. I feel something bubbling inside of me so bad, this desire for change is compelling me to take another leap of faith into the unknown and do what my spirit is guiding me to do.

Yet, my old friend Fear certainly pops his head up from time to time, restricting me and filling my head with all sorts of nonsense, inhibiting me from truly, doing what my intuition is telling me. Yet what I realise is whether it is right or wrong, I must go believe and trust my instincts, my intuition, God’s whisper. Like Susan Jeffers says in her book “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” and I am now at the stage where I so want to jump and free myself from a few thing which have been holding me back from being truly me.

So, I am going to embark on this new longing with a mission of fervency. I want to embrace, this new pending me. I want to embrace all the opportunities which are coming my way with total confidence and I believe that once I start working on myself in this area, the world will truly be my oyster.

I feel it is now time to be truly who I want to be and to shake off those last remaining shackles, those limiting beliefs which have hindered me somewhat, in order to embrace the absolute fullness of life and all that it has to offer.

I know my late sister’s spirit will be joining me on this pending and exciting adventure of self-discovery, riding me forth into the spring of contentment and self-actualisation.