THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE

This week, ending February 9th 2007 has been a tough week for me emotionally. I am so used to being strong, used to dealing with crisis, maybe even suppressing my emotions and carrying on as best as I can. I am very used to just doing what must be done, asking God to strengthen me.

Yet this week has been a struggle for me. Even I have been surprised at how I am struggling internally, emotionally. My best friend admitted that this is the first time she has heard me say I am Fed Up, and we have known each other for over 25 years.

This week has been a journey of much reflection, thought, decision making. The pain seated in the pit of my stomach is incredible. I have been conscious as from last Wednesday of myself spiralling into a pit, heading for a place where I actually wanted to be. A place where I wanted to cut myself off from everyone and everything. Even my children, could not reach out and make a difference to where I actually wanted to be.

I took a lot of long walks and I am enjoying being alone, on my own and in the loneliness of this journey – I crave that absence from interacting with others, selfish but that’s where I am at the moment.

I have never experienced anything on this level before. On Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, there were a few times when I felt total despair. I know this is a process I will have to work through and for the first time ever, I am actually admitting that this journey is hard. I don’t like being here, yet conflictingly, sometimes I want to remain here, to dwell where I am at. It’s not that I want to become a victim of my emotions or circumstances and neither am I looking for pity. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to communicate with anyone, I want just to be.

I have also started to have flash-backs of times when I saw my sister suffering and these have been happening frequently at around 1am or 2am in the morning. I guess that is why sometimes I work late through the night into the early hours of the morning. I guess, in a way this is my way of trying to keep the memories and pain at bay. I also miss my partner terribly, so in effect this is a double loss I am dealing with and working through.

YET

In all that I feel, things are happening for me. I am still striving and moving forward. I am working hard – yes sometimes I am in a surreal place and mode, but I am still managing to function at a driven capacity which is producing.

I also believe that some of this incredible pain is due to growth. I am changing. I can feel that change within and I know that when I come through at the other end, I will be a more refined, stronger and hopefully wiser individual.

So, as I have said before, where there is life, there is hope. Time is a healer and it is on time that I now wait.