No Man is an Island - My Mourning Has Begun

The path to self-actualisation is indeed an interesting, sometimes challenging and certainly a very reflective one. I have been on this delightful path of further self-discovery and development even more so recently. I have ploughed myself into personal development workshops, meditation. The desire to read and fill myself with the vibes of inspiration, knowledge and self-awareness has been incredibly strong. I have purchased some wonderfully enlightening CD’s and DVD’s which are all helping to feed and nourish me for the betterment of myself and in the process enabling me to empower and give back to others on a unique level. As I grow, I am feeling very different within myself. I have become more spiritually in-tune with who I am and God’s purpose for my life.

Yet, sometimes, when I think I have reached a place where I can “handle” things, that I am in a stronger place emotionally, physically and spiritually, of late, I have found myself whelming up in tears, an indicator that I have not yet fully healed. I refer to the loss of my sister, back in November 2006 to breast cancer. Up until 4 weeks ago, I was handling things quite well, so I thought, until the restless nights crept stealthily in and the memories began to flood into my consciousness again. Had I been in denial all this time and not addressed these emotions, which have been hitting me in an extraordinary powerful and painful way and of which, I have to admit to, I am struggling with?

I have always been perceived as being strong, someone who just gets on and does what I must. Maybe, this is also the perception I have given in times past, a strong independent sister, doing things for herself, when in reality, often times, I have been crying out on the inside for someplace to lean into, other than God’s hands. Some physical place, some warm and comforting human space to gather strength and love from. To be honest, at this moment in time, I am in a very lonely place, but I also feel I need and want to be here, so that I can deal with these very strong emotions of bereavement. Or maybe once again, I am in denial because that place isn’t yet there for me in the physical form?

Over the past 4 weeks, I have found it incredibly difficult to sleep, with many memories from last year, flooding my mind. Many of these memories, I have not shared with anyone, as some of them were very distressing, so maybe I am now in a place where I am working through all my emotions, ridding and detoxing myself from the past, allowing and opening up myself to the process which grieving dictates.

Often times, my pain is so knotted within the pit of my stomach that I can only release a quiet and tearful “Oh Father”, yet through this pain I realise that healing is taking place. Time – no greater healer than time can accompany me on this journey and as I go through this process, I know I will once again emerge at the other end a hopefully wiser, stronger and a changed individual.

My pain can be shared with many who have lost loved ones over the past year or so. Many have said that their pain is still great after 5 years and I would hope that in some way mine can be sated soon. And so, I find that I drive myself to work harder, hardly giving myself the time to focus, to think, to remember because the reality is that I miss my sister dearly. She was and is my best friend, my soul-mate and her presence has left a terribly empty void.

Indeed, I am in a very interesting place. On the one hand, I am growing spiritually, my intuition being honed in a wonderful way, where I can sense things and where often times I just “know” – yet on the other side, my spirit and soul weep. Yet I also realise, that as I feel her spirit leave me, as she had been very close by up until 4 weeks ago, she is providing space for someone new to enter my life. Someone who I will build that bond of friendship and love with and someone who will provide me with that sacred friendship and love on an intimate and personal level. So now I must learn to let her go.

So to conclude, I would say I am in a rather unique place. A place of learning, experiencing and growing and a place of mourning. A place where I can combine both sides of my emotional frontiers and still give thanks to the awareness of the journey I am on and what I am experiencing, because then I can feed this experience back into my life’s work, helping to empower and maybe inspired others.