My Own Personal Confession

Dear All

Usher called one of his albums “Confessions” and so I feel I must also take his lead to share something with you all which I hope will help many of you who are on a journey of self-discovery and who just may be “going through” at this moment in time. Yet, I will never give up on my quest to continue building my empire.

The past few weeks have been extremely, extremely challenging for me. I realise I am not unique in being in this predicament, but like the old saying goes “it’s not what you go through that counts but how you deal with the situation.”

I had allowed myself to become overwhelmed by life. As many of you know, I am building a business or should I say “empire.” But somehow, I had allowed myself to become overwhelmed by it all.

I am training for a sponsored event trekking Peru from 17th May to 26th May. One of the major factors for life becoming a bit of a burden was in my relentless pace of just work, work and more work. In my mind, I needed to start earning money and I wanted to look after my children the best I could. Therefore in the midst of all this, I had failed to look up to see where I was heading. I had failed to notice the tell tale signs of “burn out”, I had failed to notice that I was no longer listening to my spirit, my inner guide, to God’s voice. A series of events then occurred which totally threw me off balance and my world began to spin out of control and in the process I lost my spiritual connection to myself and God.

From the beginning of the year, I had began to take proper heed to those voices which said to “slow down Esther and look after yourself.” To me looking after myself was to spend a good half an hour in the sauna after my work out at the gym. I also started to go to bed around 11.30pm if I felt tired, ratherthan burning the midnight oil until 1am or 1.30am in the morning. Yet, my body needed more than that. It needed pampering, loving, it needed some serious time out, yet I continued to push myself harder and harder. What was also diagnosed after a session this week with a masseur was that I was holding a lot of tension in my back, that being I had not yet learned to deal fully with the death of my late sister over a year ago who I miss terribly and I guess I am still angry at the pain she suffered as I still see images in my mind of her suffering.
.

What really attributed to this intense pressure over the past two weeks were my finances. The bigger and more spiritual part of me that was briefly in existence offered me the hope that everything would be alright and in my heart of hearts I know this to be the case. Yet, the more human side of me had began to worry. I had managed to keep the worry at bay for a while until things started to go belly side up around me.

At this stage, I should’ve got down on my knees even more and prayed harder. I should’ve taken more time out to meditate to calm and still my mind which would’ve enabled me to find inner peace and to show me guidance of what to do. These have always been my place of comfort when the going gets tough, along with listening to music. I also realised that I was somehow shutting down to the world around me when I failed to find humour in life and everything started to annoy me and I really began to retreat internally. I also developed negative thoughts and sometimes just felt the need to “punch someone’s lights out”

All these tell tale signs were a cry from my body to just take time off the fast train. Then last week my back went on me. My legs and back had been aching for quite a while and I had thought it was the intense training I had been undertaking, little did I know it was how I was using my laptop, which I would perch haphazardly on my knee and also from standing up in the Cold at Camden Market, where I sell my books and CDs. My back muscles had now become so tight I was like a brick, I was in constant pain. I have to have a succession of treatments to realign my neck and one of my vertebrae’s. Yet I have not become despondent. My journey has just begun as I know I am being tested once again.

After one incident too many when I said something untoward in an email to someone I love very much, I realised I had really been derailed. I was astonished that I could’ve gone so low with my remark and realised it was time for me to look at Esther in the mirror and commence a detox of mind, body and spirit.

I fasted for a few days and shut myself off from the outside world. I had to deal with my demons. I had to become authentic again. I was not prepared to stand up and talk to people about empowerment whilst being in this painful space. People commented on how my energy was low and the spark seemed to have gone out of me. But I knew that I had to take charge of me and deal with me.

I am not telling you all the above because I want sympathy. Hell no, because for me the above is all part of an entrepreneur’s journey and has taught me many valuable lessons about myself and how I operate. It has taught me the value of silence, of being still, of appreciating and respecting me. It has taught me that staying connected to God, the Universe, the one true source is the only way I could continue to be guided in the right path. This experience also taught me to listen to my body long before I get to the stage where everything shuts down. It has taught me that taking time out to enjoy and do absolutely nothing is ok. It has taught me that we only have this here moment. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, yesterday is gone, so having today, this moment is all that really matters.

So after detoxing my mind, body and spirit and getting myself back on track, it is a wonderful feeling to know I am in a space now where I can readily face my demons and deal with myself. I am glad that I am not in such a space where my spirit becomes unsettled if I do anything which does not sit well with my spirit.

As always I use this quote by Ghandi which says “Be the Change you want to see in the world.” Therefore, ultimately the buck always stops and starts with the self. We can use the blame game in life for ever and a day, but ultimately the buck stops with us.

I will now be taking time out on a more regular basis even if it means sitting and watching the flies on the wall. I want to see my empire standing yet if I continue at the rate I am going I will never glimpse that for which I am working towards. And you know what? All the other things I mentioned above have now taken second place, because my spirit has told me once again that everything is going to be alright.
I guess therefore, that God is testing me again and moulding me for the bigger things which he has in store for me and I have to be ready for that responsibility.